


Bird Law

by mundaneanarchy



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Eventual Smut, Fluff, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-08
Updated: 2014-06-20
Packaged: 2018-01-03 23:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1074250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mundaneanarchy/pseuds/mundaneanarchy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charlie likes the Lawyer but he doesn't know it yet. The Lawyer likes Charlie but he won't admit it yet. Uncomfortable confusion ensues.</p><p>for <a href="http://odlaws.tumblr.com">odlaws</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The lawyer looks up from his desk to hear a knocking at his door and then glances, puzzled, at his intercom, wondering why his assistant didn’t inform him of a visitor. He jumps up from his desk in a position to defend himself when he sees one of those idiots from that bar in downtown Philly sheepishly poke his head into the office.

“No, no, no, no, no!” he barks, pointing a finger at the door. “I’ve had _enough_ of you people, do you hear me? I want nothing more to do with you.”

The man’s face breaks into a wide grin before he waltzes in, slamming the door closed. His tee shirt is dirtied and looks like it hasn’t been washed in weeks and the army shirt over it doesn’t look to be in much better condition. His eyes sparkle in the way only someone who is truly simple can and his hair is mussed messily up out of his face. He beams at the lawyer. “Hey, lawyer dude! Thank god I found you. I’ve been wandering around this building all day looking for you. You know this place is, like, huge?”

“There’s a giant sign out front with my name and office number.”

“Yeah, reading’s not exactly my strong point. Also—not totally sure what your first name is.”

“It’s on every document I’ve ever given you!” The lawyer exclaims, frustrated. “I’ve told you all multiple times!”

“Yeah, but lawyer is easier to remember. It is what you do, after all.”

“Yes, thank you, _barman_.”

“Oh, no, man, my name’s Charlie.” Charlie smiles and bats his eyelashes. “Charlie Kelly. At your service.”

“Yes, well, I have no business with you. Please tell your friends that I have no time for whatever dispute you all want to settle in whatever questionable way you’ve created. Also, whatever they’re doing to my receptionist is probably immoral and almost definitely illegal and I _will_ take action against them the first chance I get.”

“What, who, Carol? She’s right outside. She’s a sweetheart. Her cat’s sick. I helped her out.” Charlie smiles innocuously. “My friends aren’t here. It’s just me today.”

“Fine,” the lawyer says, slumping down in his chair and making a mental note to fire Carol. “What is it this time? Make it quick; I’m very busy.”

“Oh, I don’t have anything specific.” Charlie falls into the cushy chair opposite of the lawyer. He smiles excitedly. “I thought we could just hang out.”

“Hang out?” the lawyer asks in disgust. “What makes you think that I would ever want to hang out with _you_?”

“Come on, man, we have fun! We had good times!” Charlie’s face falls in the slightest. “Plus, I kind of got into a fight with my friends.”

“Oh, joy.” The lawyer rolls his eyes. “Do tell.”

“I’m just sick of them telling me what to _do_ all the time, y’know?” Charlie blurts out, obviously not recognizing the sarcasm in the lawyer’s tone. “They tell me to clean the bathrooms, so then I clean the bathrooms. They tell me to get rid of the rat shit, I get rid of the rat shit. They ask me to wash my hands, and I don’t, and suddenly I _owe_ them something? Screw that shit, man. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of them. They’re all a bunch of assholes.”

“Oh, I didn’t actually care. But thank you for sharing.”

“So,” Charlie perks up again and leans over the desk. “What’re you working on now? Anything I can help with? Maybe some bird law? I’m really good at bird law, dude.”

“No, nothing about bird law. Mainly because that doesn’t actually exist.” The lawyer exhales deeply and holds his head in his hands. “Is there any chance of you leaving here anytime soon so I can work in peace?”

“Ah, come on, man, don’t be like that! I brought beer and everything.”

“It’s ten AM.”

“Sorry, Mr. Prince of Egypt, didn’t realize I was in the midst of royalty. More for me, then.” He throws his legs over one of the chair’s arms and rests his back against the other before cracking the top of a beer open and taking a worryingly long gulp. The lawyer watches him in horror. “So, ah, how’s your day going?”

The lawyer blinks a few times before answering cautiously, “Fine.”

“Cool, cool, cool,” Charlie nods awkwardly, taking another sip from his bottle. “Is it always this quiet in this place?”

“That does tend to happen in a regular work scenario when you don’t have five idiots desperately trying to scream over each other.”

“Guess it’s a good thing you have me to keep you company, then.” Charlie beams at him.

The lawyer looks up from his paperwork and refuses to acknowledge the slight way his cheeks turn red and heart speed up at the sight of Charlie’s lips wrapping around the head of his beer bottle. He coughs and directs his attention away, gritting his teeth as he skims the page but can’t seem to absorb the words.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie comes back and things get personal.

The next day Charlie pops his head in and flashes that same ridiculous grin at the lawyer again. “Hey, guy! I’m back!”

The lawyer groans. “How delightful. I was just wondering where that pain in my ass went.”

“Hey, you don’t have to be mean, dude. I’m just trying to be your friend.”

“I don’t _want_ to be friends with you.”

“Sure you do. You just don’t know it yet.” Charlie plops down in his chair. “I missed you, man.”

The lawyer raises an eyebrow. “You did?”

“Sure. Frank moved in with his new girlfriend so I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore.”

“Of course,” the lawyer sighs, deflating in his chair. “So are these visits going to become regular? Because I’m going to need to know whether to vamp up security or not.”

 “Aw, come on, you don’t have to be like that. I’m just trying to be nice! Must get lonely around this big office, what with your whole sad divorce business and all.”

The lawyer glares at him. “I don’t require the company of a madman, thank you very much.”

“How d’you know so many big words?”

“What?”

“You say really smart shit all the time. How do you do that?”

The lawyer gapes at him, unsure what to say. “I went to school. I learned how to read.”

Charlie smiles, embarrassed. “Oh, yeah, right.”

The lawyer looks him up and down. “Do you know how to read, Charlie?”

“Hey, you used my name this time instead of an insult! Progress, dude!” Charlie beams at him like a puppy wagging its tail at its owner. “And, like, yeah, I know how to read, basically. If there’s, like, you know, pictures, I mean.”

“Have you ever read a book? In its entirety?”

“I’m not an idiot!”

The lawyer raises his hands in mock-surrender. “No one’s accusing anyone of anything.”

“Good.” Charlie crosses his arms over his chest and pouts.

The lawyer twists his mouth into a smirk, admiring Charlie’s childlike stubbornness. “Good.”

Charlie taps his foot erratically before mustering the courage to ask, “So, uh, how’re you?”

“Pardon me?”

“Since the divorce, I mean. Sorry about that, man. Are you—do you have—a, ah, you know, a girlfriend, or whatever?”

The lawyer glares at him for a very long time. “I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

“Right, right, totally,” Charlie stammers, blushing slightly. “Sorry.”

The lawyer sighs and leans forward, bracing his elbows on his desk. “I don’t have a girlfriend, Charlie.”

“Oh?” Charlie asks excitedly, grinning like an idiot. He fakes a cough and forces his voice to be lower before repeating in a more neutral tone, “I mean—oh.”

The lawyer eyes him for a few seconds before sighing and returning back to his work in silence. Charlie sits in his chair and watches him type away favorably and carefully making sure not to disturb them. He stays quiet for the rest of the day, fooling around with the odd stuff lying around the lawyer’s office. He asks every now and then what something is and the lawyer answers patiently. The rhythmic tapping of keys and impressiveness of the lawyer’s presence soothes Charlie and keeps him from getting too bored and making a scene. When it gets late enough that the lawyer figures he should probably head home, he stands up silently and Charlie follows him out to his car. Once they reach it, Charlie grins and tells him not to worry, he can walk home. The lawyer watches him run out of the parking lot, followed by at least three stray cats, and sighs and shakes his head before climbing into his car and starting the engine.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie gets a little too close.

“Not today, Mr. Kelly,” the lawyer sighs the next day. “I have a lot of work to do today. I’m being serious.”

“Come on, man, I can help if you just let me!”

“There is no way in hell I’m letting an illiterate, alcoholic psychotic work on my case.”

“Don’t be stupid. Let me see.”

Before the lawyer can stop him, Charlie has slid into his lap to squint his eyes at the laptop. The lawyer squawks and jumps but can’t bring himself to throw Charlie off of him. He stares ahead in shock.

“This, ah, I mean, this is,” Charlie leans forward to look and accidentally grinds his ass into the lawyer’s crotch. The lawyer swallows his noises of surprise. He grits his teeth and pinches the bridge of his nose, breathing deeply. “This is, like, complicated and stuff. What’s that word right there?”

The lawyer opens one eye to look at where Charlie is pointing at the screen. “Liability?”

“Oh. Right. Liberty.” Charlie turns around and grins genuinely at the lawyer. “You’re, like, super smart, you know that, man?”

“I am aware.”

“That’s cool.” He throws his legs over the arm of the chair and drapes his arm over the lawyer’s shoulders. “I’m glad, buddy.”

“Are you going to stay there?”

“Yeah. You’re comfortable, dude.”

The lawyer raises his eyebrow. “Thank you?”

“Any time, bro.” Charlie snuggles up against him and sighs. He moves his nose to the crook of the lawyer’s neck. “You smell awesome.”

“Alright, then,” the lawyer replies stiffly. He breathes deeply and prays to god Charlie can’t feel his half-hard cock beneath him.

Charlie hums against him, like a cat cuddling up to its owner. The lawyer exhales loudly and glares up at the ceiling.

“Mr. Kelly,” he says uncomfortably. “I really do have a lot of work to do.”

“Oh, right. Sorry.” Charlie blinks a lot and rubs his eyes. “Almost fell asleep there.”

“I realize,” the lawyer says nastily. “Maybe you could consider leaving? Some of us have lives to continue.”

“Jeez, dude, no need to be mean,” Charlie says it defensively as he stands up but when he turns around the lawyer can see the hurt behind his eyes. “I’ll get out of your hair. Sorry to be such a pain in the ass.”

The lawyer closes his eyes and sighs when the door slams shut behind Charlie. He feels just the slightest pang of guilt. Yeah, he’s irritating as all hell. But he’s just a simpleton at heart. It’s not his fault that the lawyer hasn’t gotten laid in months.

He shakes his head to rid himself of any unproductive thoughts and gets to work on his case.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lawyer gives Charlie a ride.

Charlie doesn’t come back to visit that day and the lawyer, despite himself, finds himself a bit despondent in the absence of his new pseudo-acquaintance.

He leaves a bit earlier that day, for some reason unable to bear the endless tedium that usually calms him through the workday. He drives around the city, finally landing on a supermarket so he can pick up some much-needed groceries.

He wanders around the blinding, fluorescent-lit aisles, picking things up and dropping them in his cart aimlessly. He finds himself reach for a block of cheese, despite the fact he’s usually repulsed by the food, and smile at the smell that wafts toward him.

As he checks out he sees a small section of magazines and books near the cash register. He plucks a colorful children’s book off and turns it over, examining the price. A little sticker is placed near the price tag that reads “Great for Beginners!”

The lawyer smiles to himself and pushes the book over the conveyor belt, smirking knowingly to himself as he checks out.

…

As he drives home he sees a familiar dirty, army green shirt and unruly brown hair stumbling in the dark, only narrowly missing falling off the sidewalk completely and being crushed by an eighteen-wheeler.

The lawyer scowls at his own weakness before pulling over to the side of the road and rolling down the right side window.

“Charlie Kelly?” he calls out regretfully. Charlie turns around and squints before seeing the lawyer and grinning excitedly.

“Lawyer dude!” he slurs. “How did you—where am—how’s it going, man?”

“Get in the car, Charlie.”

Charlie falls into the passenger seat gracelessly. He hums and closes his eyes. “I missed you today.”

“Buckle yourself.”

Charlie follows his order and snuggles up to the seat. The lawyer pulls back onto the road and keeps driving in silence. Charlie starts snoring quietly next to him and his head drops onto the lawyer’s shoulder. The lawyer shakes it and tries to protest.

“Charlie,” he says, “Not while I’m driving, for God’s sakes.”

Charlie just snorts and buries his face further into the lawyer’s suit jacket. He sighs and gives up quickly.

When they arrive back at Paddy’s Pub (because Charlie isn’t coherent enough to give directions to his apartment), the lawyer shakes him awake and Charlie jumps, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

“What?” Charlie asks, disoriented. “Where?”

“We’re back at your bar. I don’t know where you live.”

“That’s fine,” Charlie says and stretches. The lawyer catches a glimpse of the small bit of skin that reveals itself as his tee shirt rides up over his hips. “I can sleep here tonight.”

“Okay, then. You can get out now.”

Charlie grins over at him. “Thanks for the ride, dude.” He inches closer.

“Don’t mention it. Literally.”

Charlie lightly places his hand on the lawyer’s knee and slides it up over his thigh. He leans closer and says into the lawyer’s ear, “No, really…thank you…”

The lawyer is frozen in place and feels his face get red as Charlie’s hand comes dangerously close to his hardening dick. His heart pounds in his chest and he starts to sweat. Before he can think he grabs Charlie’s hand.

“Charlie,” he says. “You don’t have to thank me for giving you a ride home. Not like that.”

Charlie stares at him, puzzled, for a few seconds. His face quickly breaks into an innocent smile. “Okay, then,” he says cheerily. “I’ll catch you later, I guess.”

Before the lawyer can say another word, Charlie hops out of the car and waves enthusiastically at the lawyer before disappearing into the night. The lawyer revs the engine as quickly as he can and peels out so violently he’s sure the tire marks will be there the next time he inevitably revisits this godawful place.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lawyer buys Charlie a gift. Charlie is less than appreciative.

“Lawyer dude,” Charlie exclaims as he falls into the lawyer’s office. “How’s it hanging?”

“Recovered from last night?” The lawyer asks with one eyebrow raised.

“Huh?”

“Last night? When you were out of your mind and I had to give your sorry ass a ride home so that you wouldn’t die suspiciously and have everyone point at me as a suspect?”

“Are you playing me, man?”

“You’re not serious. You don’t remember last night?”

Charlie grins at him in a way that the lawyer wants so, so badly not to find endearing. “I don’t remember most nights.”

“Unhealthy,” the lawyer mutters as Charlie takes a seat across from him.

“So, buddy, what’re we up to today?”

“One, don’t call me that,” the lawyer snaps. “And two, _we_ are not up to anything. I have important work to do and you are, unsurprisingly, a giant nuisance in the hellhole that is my life.”

“Nothing I can help with?” Charlie smiles lopsidedly, undeterred.

“Actually,” the lawyer says and reaches into his suitcase, “I have something you can busy yourself with. I picked it up last night at the store and figured it would get you off my case for a few hours at least.”

Charlie’s eyes sparkle as he watches the lawyer’s hands disappear behind his desk. “You _got_ me something?” he asks excitedly. His face falls completely when the lawyer pulls out a large, glossy children’s book. “You’re joking.”

“I thought a man in his late thirties in middle class America could stand to learn how to read.”

“You couldn’t have gotten me, like, a toy or something? Or some booze?”

“As if you need more alcohol in your system.”

“Don’t tell me what I need.” Charlie snarls but snatches the book out of the lawyer’s hands. “This looks like bullshit. Who’s this? Dr. See-yous? Seas? What the hell? Why is a doctor writing a book? Aren’t there, like, sick people he should be healing or whatever?”

“Are you serious? That’s Dr. Seuss. He’s a critically acclaimed children’s author. Have you never _seen_ a book?”

“I’ve seen a book!” Charlie yells defensively. He mumbles, “This is just a stupid book, is all.”

“Well, perhaps you could proceed to the reading level of a kindergartener while I work on this case.”

“Perhaps you could blah blah blah blah blah—stop nagging me, dude.”

“Start reading, Kelly.”

Charlie slumps in his chair like a dejected child and cracks open his book. The lawyer types furiously on his laptop, sneaking a peak every now and then over the screen at Charlie’s scowling face and feeling a suffocating tightness in his chest.

“I don’t get this book, man.”

“Do you understand the words?”

“Yeah!” Charlie shouts. He lowers his voice and follows, “I mean, like, some of them. There are pictures, man, whatever, get off my back.”

“Okay,” the lawyer answers simply.

After a few minutes of silence Charlie implores, aggravated, “Why the hell don’t these kids just kick this cat’s goddamn ass?”

“It’s a kid’s book, you moron.”

“Tons of kids kicked my ass when I was a kid! If some giant asshole cat just jumped into my house and started fucking up all my shit I’d fight right back!”

“I guess that’s why it’s called _The Cat in the Hat_ and not _The Cat and the Mentally Unstable Manchild_.”

“Yeah, screw you, dude, I don’t need this.”

“And yet here you are.”

Charlie grumbles a few more things under his breath but ultimately never leaves. Likewise, the lawyer never exercises the right he’s had all along as a senior partner at his law firm to pack up and work from home. They both stay across from each other, one churning out bullshit technical jargon to fuck over low-class Philadelphians and the other using all of his brain power to master the skills most learn after five years of being alive. Neither of them murmur a word that isn’t an insult and yet they both choose, willingly, to breathe the same air and occupy the same space. There’s a sort of beauty in this unspoken agreement that neither of them have either the emotional intellect or social awareness to acknowledge so instead they just read and type, read and type, breathe and insult, read and type.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grocery shopping.

Charlie stumbles into the Lawyer’s office the next day with bags under his eyes and looks even more gaunt than usual. The Lawyer sits up straighter in his chair and raises an eyebrow.

“Mr. Kelly?” he asks, trying to mask the concern in his voice with displeasure.

“Hey, lawyer dude,” Charlie says weakly. He forces a smile as he slumps into the chair across from the Lawyer.

“Are you alright?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Fine. Just, uh…I just haven’t, you know. Eaten. Is all.”

“You haven’t _eaten_? In how long?”

“I mean, you know, like, whatever. I don’t know. Two days, maybe?”

“Two _days_?”

“Yeah, my roommate, Frank, he sort of used to cover my bills food-wise and he hasn’t really been doing that anymore since he moved out. Plus, I haven’t talked to the rest of the gang in a few weeks so, you know, no paycheck. Money’s been kinda tight. It’s no big deal.”

The Lawyer stands up immediately and throws his coat over his arm. “Alright, Charlie. Let’s go.”

“What?” He stands up anyway, confused. “Where?”

“To the grocery store.”

“No, dude, seriously!” Charlie calls after him, running to keep up with the Lawyer’s long strides. “I’m not kidding, I _don’t_ want you buying shit for me, alright? I can take care of myself!”

“Yes, well, I don’t really care about you. You look disgusting, and I’d rather not look at a starving idiot all day. Do it for my sake.”

Charlie shuts his mouth, seeming to accept that as an appropriate excuse for accepting what he assumes to be charity. The Lawyer is grateful for his silence, and spends the rest of his energy the entire drive to the market trying not to reflect on why he’s spending time and money on some random degenerate asshole from the slums of Philly. He decides if he doesn’t think about it, there’s nothing to think about. Despite being what most would classify as extremely smart, he somehow can’t find any holes in this theory.

They arrive at the supermarket and Charlie trails at the Lawyer’s heels, smiling up at him like a puppy at his owner. The Lawyer looks straight ahead and suppresses a smirk he feels tugging at the corner of his lips.

They roam around the store (the Lawyer having to pull Charlie away from the alcohol quite a few times) and manage to find some food Charlie doesn’t gag at the sight of.

“I _love_ Go-Gurt, dude! My mom used to give me this shit all the time when I was a kid and had to pack lunch at school. They’re so easy to eat, no chewing or anything, and sweet as hell. God, I love Go-Gurt, man,” Charlie babbles as they head toward the counter. The Lawyer stays silent and patiently listens to his rambles. “Listen, if we get some wine coolers, we could easily make this, like, a whole thing. Head to the park, laugh at the stupid bicycle people or people who run for, like, fun! What d’you think, dude? Take a break from all your serious lawyer business and have some fun in the sun with your good ol’ pal Charlie?”

They stop in the check out aisle and the Lawyer turns to look at Charlie’s smiling, innocent face. He beams up at the Lawyer and does little to hide his desperation for his approval. The Lawyer tilts his head and smiles a little down at him, which makes Charlie’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. Before either of them knows what the other is doing, the Lawyer is leaning down and tentatively placing his lips against Charlie’s.

When he pulls back, he observes the look of shock on Charlie’s face and refuses to feel hurt when Charlie starts to shake his head.

“Hey, I mean, uh, dude,” Charlie glances over to where the cashier is ringing up their order nonchalantly, as if the Lawyer didn’t totally just make a _move_ on him in the middle of a _store_ , Jesus _Christ_. “This isn’t…I mean, this…this isn’t…a _gay_ thing. You know? I don’t wanna, like, bang you, or anything. I just think you’re a cool dude.”

The Lawyer swallows and nods. He forces his voice to be steady as he replies, “It was just an innocent experiment.”

“Yeah, I mean, cool,” Charlie says awkwardly. They walk stiffly outside to the parking lot. “Sorry about your divorce and everything.”

“Oh,” the Lawyer says.

Charlie shifts his weight from one foot to the other. He clutches his bag closer to his chest. “Thanks for the, uh, the Go-Gurt, dude.” He points behind him. “I’m just gonna walk home.”

“Of course.”

“I’ll see you around, yeah?”

“I’m sure.”

The Lawyer gets into his car and pointedly peels out before he can watch Charlie walk away and end up giving himself a concussion by banging his head against the dashboard. He should have known better than to let his IQ be so thoroughly depleted by the likes of someone like Charlie Kelly.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quick reconciliation chapter.
> 
> I WILL GET TO SOME SORT OF MEANINGFUL SUBSTANCE SOON, I PROMISE

The next day the Lawyer expects to have a quiet day to himself, given his total overwhelming idiocy the day before, but is surprised to walk through the door of his office and find Charlie sitting in his usual seat. Charlie turns around and smiles at him as if nothing’s changed.

“Hey, buddy!” he calls out happily. “You’re late!”

The Lawyer stares a little before stammering, “My, ah, my alarm clock—I hit snooze a few times. I slept in.”

“Oh, you should give me your phone number. I can call you next time.”

The Lawyer opens and closes his mouth a few times, at a loss for words.

“Well? What are you doing just standing there? Not gonna get any work done from way over there.”

“I’m just adjusting to the rising levels of incompetence in the room,” the Lawyer snaps, falling back into the insults and bickering like a sick marital routine.

“Oh, look at me, I’m the Lawyer, I’m so smart because I know where commas go and how to work a computer!” Charlie mocks him. He stands up and guides the Lawyer to his desk. “Come on, there you get. Now sit.”

The Lawyer follows his orders, booting up his laptop carefully.

“Listen, dude,” Charlie starts, each word more careful than the last. “About yesterday…”

“No, Charlie—”

“No, dude, chill out, alright? I get it, okay? You’ve got your whole ex-wife and divorce thing or whatever. I get that. I have a Waitress, too. Maybe you know—you know what, it’s not important. Point is, like, I know you’re not gay or anything. Just lonely. That’s understandable. I get like that sometimes. Lonely, not gay. I mean, sometimes—no. Just the lonely thing. You got me?”

The Lawyer stares up at him with his mouth ajar, slightly confused by the whole spiel. “So…you…?”

“Look, my point is, yesterday wasn’t a big deal, alright? We all get a little gay sometimes. _Lonely_! We all get a little lonely sometimes. It’s whatever.”

“Right.” The Lawyer looks up at him suspiciously. “Right.”

“Cool,” Charlie grins. He settles back into his chair. “I’m glad we got that all cleared up.”

“Ah. Yes. Me, too.”

“So, what are we working on today, pal?”

“As I’ve made abundantly clear in the past,” the Lawyer says coolly, “ _we_ are not working on anything together. Ever. Because this is my office, and you are technically a trespasser in my workplace.”

“Aw, man,” Charlie says warmly, smiling at him adoringly. “I totally missed this. I’m glad we made up.”

The Lawyer looks down to hide his blush. “Shut up, you idiot.”


	8. Chapter 8

“When’s the last time you took a goddamn shower?”

That’s how it starts. It’s a simple enough question. It’s not the fact he has to ask that bothers the Lawyer—he’s used to that kind of thing. It’s the answer he gets. Or lack thereof, technically speaking.

“I don’t even—what are you—I take plenty of showers all the time, man. Like, the normal amount. Like, four a day or something. Or whatever the normal amount is,” Charlie splutters.

Somehow Charlie got into his goddamn house. Charlie insists the Lawyer gave him a key, but he refuses to believe a word of it. But either way, there he is, sitting across from him as the Lawyer glares at him behind the rim of a glass of very expensive merlot. The Lawyer doesn’t have the energy to call the cops or shove him out the door himself, so he’s humoring him for the time being.

“You smell like shit,” the Lawyer snarls. His words are only the tiniest bit slurred.

“Hey,” Charlie says nervously and snatches the bottle of wine off the table. “This is like, nice shit. Why aren’t you sharing this with someone or whatever?”

“Hasn’t anyone ever told you that you _need_ to shower? Did you miss that class on human decency?”

“Chill out, dude. I’m fine. Don’t worry about it, Jesus.”

“If you’re going to hang around me all the time, you’re gonna shower.” The Lawyer pushes his himself off the couch, filled with a sudden conviction. He hustles Charlie off the armchair he’s pushed on and is met by protesting yelps. He shoves him towards the bathroom. “I’m not gonna start to smell because some sewer-rat decided one day to tag along with the adults.”

“Don’t gotta be a jerk about it,” Charlie grumbles, but the Lawyer doesn’t miss how easily he allows himself to be led around.

“There’s towels in the closet, and shampoo and soap in the shower— _don’t_ forget the soap.”

“Yeah, yeah, alright, dude, I get it, you have a shower and soap and everything, congrats, what a big shot, jeez, brag about it s’more.”

“Am I going to have to get in with you and make sure you do it right?”

Charlie’s face goes bright red and it takes the Lawyer a second to realize what he’s just said.

“I didn’t mean—” the Lawyer starts.

“I’ll do it,” Charlie cuts him off gravely. “I promise, Lawyer dude.”

“You better,” he growls back.

Charlie’s eyes go wide and his face goes bright red before he slams the door in the Lawyer’s face.

The Lawyer settles back on his leather couch and feels grateful that he’s drunk enough to not be able to analyze that encounter too closely.

…

“Lawyer? Lawyer, wake up!”

He blinks blearily and opens his eyes to a disheveled Charlie kneeling in front of him. His hair is wet and unkempt and he’s wearing a dress shirt about three sizes too big for him and boxer shorts that look strangely familiar.

“Are those…my clothes?” the Lawyer slurs.

“Yeah, they’re too big for me,” Charlie laughs. “The underwear fits, though, isn’t that weird?”

The Lawyer growls, too disoriented to feign actual anger. He shuts his eyes tight and fidgets on the couch to get back into a comfortable position. After he leans his head back and starts breathing deeply he murmurs, “You smell nice, at least.”

“Yeah, you got some really nice soap. Some real grade A shit, dude.” Charlie flops down on the couch next to him. Usually the Lawyer would protest or just push him off but he’s lethargic and content enough to let him just go about his business without interruption. The fact that he doesn’t smell like a back alley dumpster anymore certainly doesn’t hurt, either. Charlie shuts his eyes and gently rests his shoulder on the Lawyer’s head. He braces himself to get hit or pushed to the ground but is surprised when the Lawyer leans toward him to give him more leverage. The Lawyer sighs peacefully and, against his better judgment, allows himself to drift asleep while being aggressively cuddled by the scruffy delinquent plastered to his side.

When the Lawyer wakes up the next morning he’ll deny ever having been in the same room with Charlie that night. He’ll also deny the way he smiled and inhaled the scent of his freshly washed hair before rolling off the couch with a massive headache. He’ll also deny being so hard in his pants when he awoke that he was forced to limp to the bathroom and shove his fist in his mouth to avoid waking Charlie up as he relieved himself.

It’s all just conjecture, really.


End file.
